Thursday, February 6, 2014

Ghostly Reflections / Remembering Ben

     Now that the cold long day is finally winding down and the computer clock says 11:11 pm, the time of angels and wish making, I can smile and relax into a decoding process where my thoughts have gone in reverse to the beginning of this day. The day that started with a frown and fourteen inches of snow on top of ice with dread of grocery shopping in weather that's fit for a polar bear. This day was important, I just didn't realize it until tonight and all the coincidences fall like dominoes. I am sorry I forgot it was your birthday but the unseen world tried to remind me.
     It drew my attention to the kitchen light over the table this morning. The sun hitting the glass just right made the neighbor's snow covered roof look like mountains in California and the blue was so blue with a hot sky. The Christmas poinsettia plant with its red leaves that was sitting on the table improved the make believe room and I pretended it was another small world inside of my world, trapped in the reflection. How would I paint that for a neat book? I felt the tug from Spirit at that moment whispering, reflection but I rushed to get dressed with the Beatle's song playing in my head, "I am you and you are me and we are all together."
     Maybe it was the fast speed of the muddy cars on the road or the five foot tall snow mounds at all the intersections that kept my mind away from you. Once again, Spirit tried to remind me of this special date because it wouldn't stick in my head when I wrote checks at two different stores. (yes, I still write checks)
     "What's the date today?" I asked the olive skinned woman at the India Emporium market.
     "February 6th", she replied. " "Be safe outside, there are so many things to pay attention to now," she added.
     February sixth, February sixth, I found myself silently repeating as I drove towards home the short cut way near the yellow apartments with the tennis court across the street. You started to enter my thoughts about this time but it was a tiny pinhole opening. It was a good thing I didn't run over the man in the street walking his dog on a leash who was trying to navigate over frozen bumps with his dog and he shook when he walked with his half smoked cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth.
     He stopped and froze his gait to turn to face me and when I passed him in the car, I looked in the rear view mirror to see that he had turned around to walk in the direction that I was driving.
     "Ben! He looks like Ben," I said to my daughter.
     "He looked at you funny mom," she said.
     "Oh my God! Today is Ben's birthday! I can't believe I forgot, I always light a candle on his birthday."
     "What a sign that is, I can't believe I didn't see one this morning. If I'm not more observant, God's going to start throwing signs at me," I laughed.

     The old ladies say be careful what you wish for and that couldn't have been truer to what we saw next. Someone had run into the stop sign during the night and knocked it down so we pulled over the side of the road and took a picture. Some people may not believe me, some do, all I know is Ben's birthday is today and Spirit was trying to get my attention. He would have been 37 years old but his life was cut short by murder. It's a pain that I bury and don't talk about to people because it holds the weight of guilt. Guilt for not having the resources to find him good places to live when my basement had the space. Guilt for complaining of the cold when I knew he was sleeping outside in the cold.

          Good night half moon, good night busy day. Thank you for the signs, thank you for the reflections and thank you for the last coincidence where I checked facebook because it beeped a noise that said someone messaged me but instead I find a quote that read..."If you want to see God, then open your eyes."
  Happy Birthday my dear friend Ben, I am you and you are me and we are all together.

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