Thursday, November 22, 2012

What Men Need To Avoid If They Want Great Sex For The Holidays

     Is your sex life as stale as last month's Halloween candy? Now that you and your partner are living together, does your mojo seem to lack the sparkle it had when you had separate living spaces? You worked long hours, took out the trash and wore your best shirt today but something went sour between the second helping of mashed potatoes and Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. Did you go to bed alone,  feeling like an overstuffed sausage and a bit jaded? Lucky for you, she still loves you but you definitely need to polish your game.

    Rule One: Women like pretty things. They have looked through magazines and stores for the prettiest table settings and imagine how they're going to create the same look on a budget. Yes, it's fantasy, nobody realistically creates such beauty without hired help but it's her fantasy. Notice the new napkins, smell the real flowers and whatever you do, shriek in agony when or if the crystal bowl gets dropped because of her nerves. Walking out of the kitchen is the same as saying goodbye to warm hands that know where your sweet spots are.

    Rule Two: Women like strong men. Holiday strong to women means you can lift the vacuum without being asked. Be strong with carrying extra folding chairs and try not to look at her as though she's asked you to rebuild the Brooklyn bridge. Think kisses, slow ones and wipe the dust off the chairs without mentioning the word spider or cobweb.

     Rule Three:  Women admire a clean home. Like most people, work and social life got in the way of household chores so women will work too hard in a short time to make their space presentable and spotless.   While you slept, she was mopping the floors, vacuuming the carpets and if she was lucky, sweeping autumn leaves off the entryway. It's probably not a good idea to mow the lawn one hour before the arrival of your guests. Why? The lawn is dead, it's November and you're going to track in grass clippings not to mention muddy shoes! Stick to cleaning toilets and whatever you do, DON'T use the good towel to shower. (It's the one that's folded with three smaller ones on top)

    Rule Four:  Women love good music. Singing can be sexy to them but not when she's juggling hot casserole dishes from the oven and closing refrigerator doors with her foot. It may be tempting to showoff your vocals because the guests are coming in less than thirty minutes but if you haven't lifted a finger to help with the food prep, save your Stairway to Heaven for New Year's Eve, bye bye heated stone massage.

     Rule Five:  Women want a hero.  Most of us have watched the movie Pretty Woman, maybe twice. The idea of a Richard Gere coming to save us in a white limo is sacred foreplay. If your mother is at the table, respect her in every way, but the minute you hear any tone of sarcasm, put on the invisible Superman cape. Girlfriend or wife is the one who you defend. She's the one who puts band aids on your ouchies now, the one who listens to your political rants and football fantasies. (She knows you can't play better than the Chiefs.)

  So there you have it my male friends. If you follow these five rules, may you have many surprises in your stocking and under your sheets. Break these rules and you will have another meaning for Black Friday.



  1. hahaha!!! Too funny, but soooo true! Rule 3...why do they do that???

  2. This is why I'm happily divorced. He never knew ANY of these rules. He just didn't "get it." Or me, in the end.

  3. Very funny and true, Sandy. I'm not showing this to my husband, though, especially Number Three, because he's the neat freak. I don't want him to think: "Other wives are orderly?" Cathy

    Thanks for featuring my blog on your blog.

  4. Sooo true! <3 Sharing with my sweetie, he is new to all of this lol